Effective communication is the cornerstone of successful relationships, both personal and professional. However, finding the right balance between being confrontational and avoidant can often feel like walking a tightrope. During a recent trip to Norway, I engaged in a lively debate with friends from diverse backgrounds—therapists, business professionals, parents, spouses, and expats—who navigate different cultures and upbringings daily. Together, we explored the nuances between avoidant and confrontational communication approaches, how they can be misperceived, and discussed ways in which we can communicate in order to achieve the ideal mix between candor and compassion.
Different Communication Styles and Common Misperceptions:
When it comes to conflict, most of us have a default approach: we either tend to avoid it or embrace it.
Those with the avoidant style tend to:
Shy away from disagreements.
Value harmony and positive relationships.
Often try to placate people or even change the topic.
Don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or disrupt team dynamics.
Those who lean towards the confrontational style (and I’m one of them!):
Seem eager to engage in disagreements.
Care about directness and honesty.
Lose patience when others aren’t equally direct.
Don’t mind ruffling feathers.
Neither style is inherently better or worse, and one's default approach is likely influenced by several factors:
Their past experiences with conflict,
The cultural norms of their background or workplace,
The organizational context they operate within,
Gender norms,
Their personality traits and temperament,
The communication styles modeled by their family and mentors,
The level of stress and pressure in their current environment.
Now, there is, of course, conflict between the different conflict handling styles (how meta!) People with a direct conflict resolution style often see indirect conflict avoiders as evasive or insincere. Conversely, those who prefer a non-confrontational approach might find direct communicators harsh or insensitive.
If you tend to be confrontational and the other person is avoidant, how should you approach the situation?
And is it impossible to find a resolution if both of you avoid conflict?
Let's break it down:
Both are avoidant:
What usually happens: Both parties avoid taking action. This can lead to suppressed feelings that may eventually erupt.
How to handle it: One person needs to step up. Say something like, “I know neither of us likes conflict, but rather than ignoring the issue, what can we do about it?” Encourage the other person to share their thoughts in a gentle and considerate manner. If the conversation becomes difficult, resist the urge to retreat. You'll need to go against your natural tendency in this scenario.
Both are confrontational:
What usually happens: Both individuals are unafraid to express their thoughts. The conversation can quickly become heated. In the heat of the moment, you might say things you don’t truly mean, leading to feelings of disrespect on both sides.
How to handle it: Given that both of you will want to address the issue head-on, take extra time to prepare for the discussion. Understand that you might feel impatient, so plan the conversation to include breaks. Be prepared for things to get intense. Suggest a coffee break, a walk, or a change of scenery to help manage emotions.
You are confrontational and the other person is avoidant:
What usually happens: You might overwhelm the other person into agreeing with you. They might resort to passive-aggressive behavior to express their views.
How to handle it: Encourage the other person to actively participate in the conversation rather than hiding their opinions. Avoid being overly aggressive. Be patient and allow the conversation to proceed at a comfortable pace for both of you.
You are avoidant and the other person is confrontational:
What usually happens: You might be tempted to play the "nice guy" and agree with the confrontational person’s demands. This can lead to your needs being overlooked.
How to handle it: Clearly state your needs: “For a productive conversation, I need you to be patient and mindful of your tone and volume.” Gain the confrontational person's respect by being straightforward and clear. Avoid showing disrespect, as this could trigger a negative reaction from them.
These differing perceptions highlight the importance of adapting our communication style to be more effective with different individuals so we don't frustrate ourselves and each other, and can move forward as opposed to sitting in a gridlock, especially in business.
That is, recognizing our natural tendency and considering the other person's style during conflicts can be very useful. For instance, understanding whether someone values straightforwardness or tact can help us tailor our approach to avoid misunderstandings and conflict, especially in a high-pressure team environment. Tools like Insights Discovery, especially when used as a team, can help team members understand each other's natural styles and find respectful, honest, and empathetic ways to communicate.
Effective Communication Frameworks: Radical Candor and NVC
In my communication and teamwork workshops, I teach two powerful approaches to communication, feedback, and collaboration: Radical Candor by Kim Scott and Nonviolent Communication (NVC) by Marshall Rosenberg.
Radical Candor refers to a communication style that balances understanding and compassion with confidence and assertiveness. It involves actively listening to others, acknowledging their feelings and experiences, and demonstrating empathy, all while effectively asserting personal thoughts, needs, and boundaries.
Radical Candor is represented by a two-by-two matrix defined by two dimensions: “Care Personally” and “Challenge Directly.” The “Care Personally” dimension, also termed the “give a damn axis,” ranges from “Care Personally” at one end to “Rage” at the other. The “Challenge Directly” dimension, described as the “willingness to upset people” axis, spans from “Silence” to “Challenge Directly.”
The Realm of Manipulative Insincerity
The first quadrant, “Manipulative Insincerity,” combines low empathy with high aggressiveness. Interactions in this area are characterized by manipulative attempts to control others, damaging relationships and trust. Navigating the delicate balance between caring personally and challenging directly can be intricate. When our instincts betray us, we may veer into manipulative insincerity, leading to passive-aggressive behaviors, office politics, and other detrimental actions that corrode relationships and work environments.
Navigating Through Ruinous Empathy: A Common Quadrant of Mistakes
The second quadrant, “Ruinous Empathy,” features high empathy but low assertiveness. People in this area avoid expressing their feelings and needs, leading to ineffective communication and the suppression of problems, resulting in resentment and frustration. Most people tend to be quite nice and care personally, but this well-intentioned approach often leads to withholding valuable feedback to avoid hurting others' feelings, ultimately causing more harm.
Obnoxious Aggression: When Direct Challenges Lack Personal Care
The third quadrant, “Obnoxious Aggression,” represents high assertiveness but low empathy. In this area, individuals prioritize their own needs and opinions without considering others, leading to a lack of authenticity and difficulties in establishing healthy boundaries. While emphasizing directness and forthrightness, we sometimes overlook demonstrating genuine care, resulting in what we call “Obnoxious Aggression.”
The Power of Radical Candor in Building Trust and Collaboration
The final quadrant, “Radical Candor,” represents the ideal balance between empathy and assertiveness. People in this area can express their feelings and needs respectfully while demonstrating understanding and consideration for others. This approach enables the building of trusting relationships, fosters collaboration, and creates a healthy work environment.
Nonviolent Communication (NVC), developed by Marshall Rosenberg, emphasizes empathy and understanding in conversations. It teaches us to express our feelings and needs clearly and without accusation, fostering a more compassionate and cooperative dialogue. The core of NVC lies in the use of "I" statements to communicate our experiences and emotions. Instead of saying, "You are always late," which can provoke defensiveness, an NVC approach would be, "I feel frustrated when meetings start late." This subtle shift focuses on our own feelings rather than placing blame, making the conversation less confrontational and more open.
NVC is structured around four key components:
Observations: State the facts without judgment. For example, "When I talk, I notice you often look at your phone."
Feelings: Express how the observation makes you feel. For example, "I feel ignored and unimportant when you look at your phone while I’m speaking."
Needs: Identify the underlying needs related to your feelings. For example, "I need to feel heard and valued in our conversations."
Requests: Make a clear, actionable request that addresses your needs. For example, "Could you please put your phone away when we’re talking so I know you’re listening?"
This framework encourages us to consider the other person’s perspective and communicate in a way that inspires compassion and cooperation rather than defensiveness. By focusing on mutual understanding and respect, NVC helps de-escalate conflicts and builds stronger, more empathetic relationships, whilst being direct and honest.
Conclusions
The debate between being confrontational and avoidant is not about finding a one-size-fits-all solution but rather about seeking a balance that respects individual preferences and promotes understanding. Whether through Radical Candor, Nonviolent Communication, or personalized adaptations based on tools like Insights Discovery, the goal is to foster an environment where diverse communication styles can coexist and complement each other. This balance not only enhances personal interactions but also strengthens professional relationships, leading to a more cohesive and supportive team dynamic.
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Hi! I'm Merve. 👋 I specialize in helping individuals navigate their professional and personal challenges through focused strategy and accountability. If you're struggling with ANTs and looking for ways to advance your career and personal life, here's how you can connect with me:
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