I’ve always been fascinated by different languages. Knowing how to express certain things in various languages, understanding strange sounding expressions, having a handle on different words that exist (or don’t exist) in different languages are a window into diverse cultures, diverse world views, diverse angles into life. In German, for example, to express indifference or lack of interest, people say, “Das ist mir Wurst” - translated literally, it means “That is sausage to me”. There is no direct way to say “Yes” or “No” in Mandarin. In Turkish, there are two words "oldubitti" and "emrivaki" to explain a situation where someone springs something on a person to get their way by catching them off guard and blindsiding them. Japanese have a word, "datsuzoku", which means to escape from the daily routine, to take a break from the conventions and mundanities of one’s life, to discover more creativity, resourcefulness, and to perceive your surroundings differently. Fascinating stuff!
According to studies, learning a language not only helps one get to know more cultures, and to communicate and consume content more widely, but it also expands one’s brain size and versatility. Every language is a different cognitive universe because it uses different sounds, different vocabulary, and sometimes also different letters or symbols to represent words. Long-term use of multiple languages can physically change the brain, with various studies showing that grey matter volume increases in regions responsible for learning and short-term memory retention. There are preventive benefits for brain health, too: in 2015, a University of Edinburgh study of 600 stroke victims found that 40.5% who were multilingual had normal mental functions afterwards, compared to 19.6% in those who only spoke one language. Speaking multiple languages can also reduce the risk of dementia and generally promote “healthy aging”. Lastly, multilingualism encourages empathy because you learn to see things from different perspectives than your own through the use of different languages and exposure into different cultures. Reading all of this, I was sold on the idea of teaching my kids multiple languages.
In addition to the research I read about, my fascination with languages and diverse cultures, coupled with my experience with new languages opening new doors for me made me feel passionate and keen about raising my kids bilingually and adding more languages to the mix, as we go. Here below are some of the tricks from my research into raising bilingual kids that helped our family with our own journey:
1. It’s important for parents to speak their native (or preferred / dominant) language with their kids: One person, one language is a well-known method considered to be the cornerstone of raising multilingual children in multicultural families. According to this method, each parent speaks one language to the child - ideally and most commonly their native language but in certain cases it can be a language different to their native language as long as they are perfectly fluent in it. In our household, I exclusively speak Turkish with our kids, and my American husband exclusively speaks English with them. By separating the languages from the beginning and having the child associate one language with each parent, the child has a consistent structure and solid anchors to be able to acquire each language through communication. It’s really important that the parents strictly adhere to this rule and do not mix languages. For example, if your child responds to you in the other language that’s spoken in your household (i.e. your partner’s language or the language of the country you live in) you can acknowledge it and still respond in your language, or better yet, you can repeat what they said in your language to validate first, then respond in your own language. It’s important to resist the temptation to respond in the language your kids are using, especially if you, too, are fluent and comfortable in that language. If the children know that you are able to switch and speak either language, then, they will get confused and lose the ability and structure to be able to compartmentalize the different languages they are learning to communicate in. If both parents have the same native language, then, best is for them to speak their language with the kid and then expose the kid to the language of the country they live in through childcare, school, etc. The same is true if the parents have different native languages (so they will do one parent, one language) and there is a third language spoken in the country of residence.
2. It helps a ton to involve family members, especially those who speak the minority language: We made frequent trips to Turkey and my parents also visited and spent a good chunk of time with us when my daughter was young, which helped her get a lot of exposure to Turkish. My parents don’t speak English so in order for my kids to communicate with them, they have to learn Turkish, which is convenient. It’s also important that the kids are around the language being spoken, even if they are not part of the conversation. When it’s just me speaking to them in this “strange” language, and every time we are with other people, when they are in a childcare facility, when we are just out and about at the grocery store, etc. we speak the main language (that is the language of the country / language of the other parent etc.) in our case English, then the children think (even when they are babies) “OK cool, so this is just my secret language with my mom.” The brain, then, doesn’t give the same importance to it. When they can observe that this is a living language that other people are also communicating with each other in, they understand that it is, in fact, as important and useful to learn this language. Some other strategies people successfully employ are working with childminders, play buddies, nannies, who speak the minority language, especially if they don’t have frequent access to family.
3. Having peers who also speak and understand the minority language boosts the children’s confidence: Similarly to the previous point, it helps when the kids have peers they can be around and play with whose parents also speak the same minority language with them, who also are learning the same minority language, or - for older kids - who are fluent in the same minority language. For my daughter, it really helped when we met other Turkish families living in Ireland with kids her age and when we spent time in Turkey with her friends who she speaks and plays with in Turkish. My daughter is, of course, worried about her friends not thinking she is cool so she did try to switch to speaking English with me because her friends all speak English at school in Ireland, but when I resisted and consciously started spending more time with Turkish friends with kids, she bounced right back.
4. Books are our best friends: Both my husband and I love to read, and so initially reading was just a way for us to share our love of books with our children, then it became part of bedtime routines (#sleeptrainingisagamechanger), then it became a fun tool to reinforce our bilingual household strategy with stories. We now have 500+ kids books in our house (and that doesn’t include the digital books) - yes, it is a little over the top! - in Turkish and English, and we plan to continue to expand our library into other languages as the kids grow and learn more languages. We alternate nights with my husband so one night he reads books before bedtime and the other night it’s me. We read in our own languages and discuss the stories with the kids. Books help with exposure as well as cultural intricacies. I attribute the fact that my daughter is perfectly fluent and native in Turkish (we get compliments about this often in Turkey - people tell us she doesn’t strike them as a kid who was raised abroad at all) to the many books we read through which she grasps expressions, sayings, and cultural idiocracies.
5. Watching content, singing songs, playing games in both languages (and particularly the minority language) can be fun and reinforcing: We make sure to choose the content the kids consume intentionally so they have more exposure to Turkish - the minority language in our home. There are some Turkish cartoons made in Turkey through which my daughter not only practices Turkish but she also learns about e.g. national days that we celebrate in Turkey, what school life looks like in Turkey, how kids play together in Turkish, etc. I also try to choose dubbed shows in e.g. Disney Plus when she watches Mickey Mouse or PJ Masks etc. because once again, they all add to her exposure. Songs and games are two of the many other types of content kids can consume to have fun that also help them acquire and retain the language. Of course it's great if you know some children's songs in your native language but even if you don't know many, you can make up some or compose them yourself! The melody is what appeals to them and language acquisition just happens naturally. For example, I went to mom & baby yoga classes with both of my kids (taught by the amazing Melissa Curtis #tummylove) and translated the songs I learned in the class (in English) that go along with the yoga postures and routines to Turkish at home and sing to them for some laughs. Duolingo is an amazing (and fun!) resource you can use with your kids. And there are many more..
6. If your child gets confused, you can help them by repeating what they mean to say in your own language: Similar to adults, kids feel embarrassed, when they make mistakes. It shouldn’t be embarrassing, of course, because for beginners, you are going out of your comfort zone and learning something new, second, we all learn by making mistakes, especially when it comes to languages. And yet, we feel embarrassed when we say something off or funny --- especially when we are made to feel embarrassed. Good teachers (and we, as parents, are teachers, too!) are those who correct you (because otherwise you wouldn’t know you are making a mistake, which is bad. Feedback is most definitely a gift in this situation.) but do so subtly without making a big deal out of it. One method I have found that works - both from the receiving end (when I am learning / practicing a language) and the giving end (when I am teaching a language e.g. to my kids) - is repeating what they said or what you understood they meant to say, but in correct form. My daughter sometimes mixes English with Turkish - for example she will say a whole sentence in Turkish but insert an English word when she can't remember the Turkish word for what she is trying to say in the moment. Or she might conjugate an English verb with a Turkish tense. I understand what she is saying and will reply with something like, “Oh, that’s cool, so xyz (xyz is where I repeat what she said, but in correct form)” nonchalantly. She, then, responds, "yes, that's right," or sometimes she might even say the whole sentence back to me - in correct form. I don’t laugh (even to insinuate “you are so cute” and most definitely not to mock) or tell her, “That was a mistake now, let’s correct your grammar”. Instead, I try to help her by offering the proper way of saying what she wants to express.
7. It's challenging to stick with it and not mind the societal pressure, but it's worth the trouble: I am blessed with living in a city and a neighborhood that are quite international. Every day when I walk my daughter to school, I hear at least 3-4 languages during our 10 minute walk, at the school courtyard, etc. It is great to be surrounded by other families who are multilingual and/or internationally mobile who are also raising their kids multilingually or at least are in households where multiple languages are spoken. So the situation I am about to describe does not happen very much in Dublin, because it is an international city and the Irish who don’t necessarily speak other languages or have international experience are at least able to understand, appreciate and often admire multilingualism because they are exposed to other cultures. (#ilovedublin) In other countries like USA and France, I have been in situations where I am speaking Turkish to my kids (clearly saying unimportant stuff like “let’s see about that diaper now” to my baby or “please eat your vegetables” to my 5 year old) and the people around me, who know I am fluent in English, will make comments to express their discomfort - often in the form of a joke. Things like “Oh yeah, totally, what she just said, yeah” or “What was that now? I didn’t quite catch it,” or something more paranoid sounding like, “Are you telling her I smell or something?” In most cases, they mean well and are just weirded out. From their perspective (and I get it!) it’s silly -and maybe even rude- of me to speak a language with my kid I know they don’t speak when they are around. While that rule applies to adult conversations, (if I am with adults and some of us are Turkish people who also speak English and some of us don’t speak Turkish but do speak English, we will all speak English with each other to not alienate those who don’t speak Turkish, even if it’s just one person in that situation) there is an important nuance here. It’s absolutely crucial that I am consistent with my kids so I can teach them my language, so if other adults are feeling weirded out because they are left out of the diaper conversation, or if they are needing to wait a little while I translate what I said or what we talked about, I am sorry, but I can’t do more than trying to explain to them how this is an important part of our multilingual parenting strategy.
I would also advise to choose a path and only change it, if something you experience or read & research is making you want to change, as opposed to listening to people who have not themselves been in your situation or are not necessarily well-researched experts in the area but have unsolicited feedback to share anyway. There are certain beliefs that are passed around with not much proof or data that people commonly offer as advice. For example, the idea that two or more languages spoken to a child might delay language development, or impact their academic ability, is particularly widespread. Researchers have spent decades quashing these myths, as well as proving that bilingual children have many cognitive advantages like improved executive function. However, these beliefs still exist and linger. I have not found that to be true for my daughter even though people kept warning me about this "fact" and I am so glad I didn't listen too intently when this advice was being offered generously. Once again, they mean well and for their good hearts, I am grateful. But I do prefer to thank them and follow the path my own research, gut feeling, and experience are showing to the right one for my kids.
8. It boosts comfort to get education in all languages in question, especially in the minority language(s): I know it’s not always so easy but if there is a chance for the children to be educated in both / all languages, it’s a huge advantage. We recently had to spend an extended period of time in Turkey for family reasons and our daughter went to a Turkish kindergarten for a few months. Getting education in Turkish 10Xed her comfort level with the language (thank you #duslersatosu)- even though as mentioned before she was already comfortable and people who heard she was raised abroad were already shocked. We could still see the boost in the ease and in understanding the culture better. Going forward, I am hoping to enrol my kids in summer schools in Turkey and/or a fun conversational Turkish class on the weekends. We are also working on reading and writing in Turkish with my daughter, which I expect and hope will be a big accelerator too because she will be able to read the books she loves herself!
9. We make a point to mention how cool it is and make a big deal when other people are impressed with our kids’ bilingual abilities: Kids (and adults!) care about being cool and impressing others. We often make a point to tell them how we are super impressed by how good their language skills are, and when our friends, teachers or other people in the community compliment our daughter’s language skills, we make a big deal out of it. She responds to it by saying, “Oh just wait, I actually speak 3 other languages and am even learning these other ones now” It makes her feel proud, motivated, and self-confident.
10. It is an asset if the parents speak all the languages that the child is looking to acquire. BUT, it can also be a liability. We are lucky in that my husband and I speak each other’s languages. So we have bilingual conversations at home where I speak Turkish, our daughter responds in Turkish but then will ask a question to her dad in English, he will respond in English but can speak to me in Turkish or English later, etc. Everybody is fluent in both languages so we can converse in a flow, we don’t need to be translating or having side conversations. In this regard, it’s definitely a huge advantage when both parents speak both languages they are teaching their kids. Where it can be tricky is the consistency and the strictness that needs to come with the approach. If your kid switches to the other language with you and you don’t speak it, it’s easy. If you do, you are tempted to respond in that language. Also if your kid is asking you what a word means and you know that they know that word in the other language, then it’s easier to just say the translation. That is likely to confuse the kids though and to make them understand they don’t have to stick to the one language, one parent approach. So I'd say watch out for it, keep the disciplined approach, and don't slip.
11. If your kid is learning another language at school, it might be motivating for them if you (the parent) learn the language yourself too: If there is a third / fourth language your kids are learning (e.g. the language of the country or a foreign language), it can be fun and motivating if the parents learn that language too. (Though when I was speaking to a teenager about this the other day, she said “actually I’m more motivated to learn a language my parents don’t speak so I can talk to my friends in that language and my parents will have no idea what I am saying” - good point. So note my recommendation is for younger kids!) My daughter is learning Irish at school and even though she was already really into it, when I showed interest and started taking classes myself, she started talking and bragging about what she learns at school and teaching us the words she learned that day at home. It’s been a bonding experience for us in that way and fun for me to learn another language.
12. This doesn't need to be a secret plan! You can talk to your children openly and explain your approach, when appropriate: I try to speak to my daughter who is now 5 about our bilingual household, our approach to diversity, and our love for different languages and cultures in every opportunity – at times proactively and at times reactively. She has asked me why I don’t speak English with her around her friends when they come for play dates as opposed to speaking Turkish to her, and then immediately translating for her friends. She asked her dad the same thing about when she is with Turkish friends. She asked us why we speak certain languages and not others. She asked us why her friends speak one of the languages she speaks and not the other. She asked us about our international lives, our families being in different countries, and our frequent travel. All of her questions make sense and we see them as opportunities to talk to her about our approach to world cultures and languages, our heritage and how it's important to us we maintain our cultures by speaking and teaching our kids our languages.
13. Cliche but true - authenticity it key! Not much to say here. Like with anything, being authentic is of utmost importance. I know some Turkish parents who live in Turkey and speak ok English, who are trying to speak English to each other at home because someone told them it's important their kids are exposed to it. I know parents who are from the same country and have the same native language living in a different country trying to speak that country’s language at home even though they are not very fluent in it so that kids pick it up better at school. These strategies often don't work when they are forced and not authentic. Ultimately, it's important to do what you believe in, what resonates with you, and what you find to be natural and organic enough for you to implement.
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