Recently, I noticed some red flags at my daughter’s childcare center - more of some of the worrisome signs that had already presented themselves earlier in the year. I decided to inquire about them with the carers and management once again (I had already approached them earlier in the year and was reassured that I must have misunderstood and everything is, in fact, alright - I gave them the benefit of the doubt and let it go that time). I was quite appalled by how my complaint was handled. In addition to leading us to make a decision to end our engagement with this particular business which actually feels like a huge relief, the interaction as well as the wider context made me feel quite sad about the lack of responsiveness to feedback, customer-centricity, understanding and compassion for the children and parents (a.k.a. the ‘clients’ and paying customers) - all of which, if present, could have led to a peaceful resolution of the issues at hand, as well as a potential for growth for everyone involved. As cliche as it may sound, I really believe that feedback is a gift. It is an opportunity to grow, to improve, and to build a relationship with the person / people giving the feedback. The willingness to seek, receive, and act on feedback shows humility, self-confidence, care, and commitment to self-growth.
Consider this situation. You go to a restaurant and look at the menu. You cannot decide between pasta or pizza for a bit, think out loud, then decide to order pizza. 10 minutes later, the waiter shows up with a pasta dish. Now, you are really hungry, you like pasta too, couldn’t decide initially but did end up ordering the pizza. So you feel you are entitled to it, you have been expecting to get a pizza after all. You tell the waiter that you had actually ordered pizza, but you got pasta. Consider these scenarios.
Scenario 1 (THE GRUMP): Deny, Blame, and Refuse
The waiter rolls his eyes, uffs and puffs, and tells you, “You were going back and forth between the two and talking a lot, I’m pretty sure you landed on the pasta, you are remembering wrong. It will be another 10 minutes at least if I go and order the pizza now. You are better off with the pasta anyway. In fact we are out of pizza right now”
Scenario 2 (THE EFFICIENT): Apologize and Course-correct
The waiter apologizes and says he will take the plate back, order the pizza and brings it to you, when ready.
Scenario 3 (THE DELIGHT): Recognize and Go Above and Beyond
The waiter apologizes, recognizes that he must have misunderstood, says “I’m happy to bring you pizza but it will take 10 minutes, but you must be hungry now” and asks you what you would like to do. He says you can keep the pasta and he will also order the pizza and you can have that when it’s ready. He says you can take the pizza when it’s ready and as a courtesy, it will be on the house because you will now have to wait extra. If, say, the restaurant is now out of pizza, he can tell you, "You can keep the pasta, it is on the house as a little something to correct our mistake, and I will also bring you their specialty dessert on the house" etc.
In the first scenario, also known as gaslighting, not only is the waiter not recognizing and empathizing with the customer, he is in fact turning it around on him and blaming him for being indecisive, wordy and then forgetful. He is cornering him into having to accept the pasta, eat and pay for something he did not order. As a result of this interaction, the customer will likely have a bad experience, self-doubt, potentially get angry and the restaurant will almost certainly lose his business. Now, the restaurant might be thinking "I am the only restaurant open in town, I don’t have to be good, there are people queuing outside. Who cares if I lose this guy?" But eventually either another restaurant will come around and steal its business, or people will prefer to cook at home over time! It is for sure that people will jump ship at the first opportunity.
In the second scenario, the waiter apologizes and course-corrects which is a standard and the bare minimum decent thing to do. The customer has to wait for another 10 minutes for his pizza, he might not be delighted but that’s alright. He will eat his pizza, pay for it and may or may not come back to this restaurant again.
In the third scenario, however, the waiter sees this complaint as an opportunity to delight the customer even more than he would have been able to if the order had not been messed up in the first place. He apologizes, sympathizes and empathizes, gives options, offers courtesy and goes above and beyond to make the experience an even nicer one for the customer. In the end, the customer will have had more food, paid less, and been pampered a bit more - he will almost be happy that things went wrong in the first place. He will remember the experience and most definitely be coming back to be treated with respect and care again.
Now in this simple example, note that the facts matter less than the actual attitude. It actually doesn’t matter if the customer gets pasta or pizza, or if the customer in fact had gone back and forth and remembered it wrong that he had ordered the pizza. What matters is that the customer is unhappy, has a concern, has an ask --- and this premise is an opportunity to listen, emphatize with his side of the story, with his feelings and needs, and offer solutions to find a solution and build a long-lasting relationship (and in this case customer retention and loyalty)
Here are my 8 steps to embrace criticism, receive complaints with grace, and turn constructive customer feedback into an opportunity to grow and thrive:
1. Listen to Understand and NOT to Respond: It sounds pretty simple but fascinatingly, this first step is usually the one that gets missed the most often. It’s normal to get emotional, to have the urge to disagree, to prove the feedback-giver wrong, to get defensive and even argumentative. The brain might listen to the person complaining with the motive to find holes in their narrative, to refute, and counter-prove. What is, however, healthy and conducive to growth is to assume that the person who is sharing a concern and doing this very difficult thing (which is to confront the person / people who are causing them stress) is upset. They have a problem they would like your help in resolving. As opposed to sitting across from them at the table and arguing with them, try sitting next to them and teaming up with them. Try to tune in to their story and empathize with their pain. Listen to listen and understand so you can start from a point of compassion and a willingness to partner and collaborate.
2. Thank the Customer & Show You Care: Giving constructive feedback is difficult. Thank them for their courage, their openness, for their time and effort. Remember feedback is a gift so saying thank you is important. Make sure you tell them you appreciate them giving you the opportunity to address, course correct, change, and grow.
3. Validate and Show Empathy: As already mentioned, the person who is filing the complaint or giving constructive feedback has an issue that they would like addressed, and they are making themselves vulnerable by opening up to you with their problem. This is particularly true, if this is a customer who didn’t receive their delivery, who didn’t receive the service they were hoping for, and especially the one who has their children at your facility and are noticing their children are upset / unhappy, etc. You can play back what you heard and summarize their key points of concern to validate, and let them know that you understand their pain, their upset, and see how what they are experiencing must be hard to show empathy.
4. Acknowledge and Apologize: It should not matter whether you agree with what is being said or not, whether you are aligned to the client’s account of what happened, share their perspective or not. They are entitled to their opinion and point of view, their feelings and expectations. It’s important that you acknowledge their concerns and apologize for causing them stress, upset, etc. Not only does it show care but it levels the playing ground. It shows humility, self-confidence, and commitment to growth on your part that you can see the other person’s point of view and apologize for your part in them feeling the way they do.
5. Ask Questions and Brainstorm: Once you have listened, understood, validated, and apologized, you can focus on futureproofing. Ask and think about what would make the client feel better, what would serve their needs better. It is absolutely ok to include what you aren’t able to do, especially if you are willing to think of other ways to compensate for what is not possible. In a client relationship management scenario, this might look like, “Unfortunately, I am unable to assign a dedicated account manager for your account, but what I can do is to include your team in this exclusive training about how to use our product, have a 1 hour 1-1 with you once every two months to check in and see how you are getting on and answer any questions, and give you a $50 coupon for a boost with our cloud services. Would any of these offers help?”
6. Offer Solutions, Commit to Actions, Align on Next Steps: Once you asked your clients what needs to happen for them to feel more at ease and have brainstormed ideas with the client, offer the solutions you are willing to provide and commit to actions you are able to execute on to change and improve the relationship. Make sure to recap with concrete next steps.
7. Follow up and Close the Loop: Once you agree with the client on the next steps, make sure to deliver on what you committed and promised. It's also important to keep the door open and reassure your client that they can / should keep the open conversation and be giving you continuous feedback. Tell them when you will check in again to get their perspective on if / how things have improved. Close the loop by checking in with them when you said you would and communicating what was changed / actions and the results of such changes. You might even communicate to a group of people, if relevant. E.g. if you are an online education company, you might might email all your subscribers to tell them that you received such constructive feedback from a client and made these improvements as a result. It will not only increase the trust between you and the initial feedback-giver but it will demonstrate to your entire client base your commitment to open communication, customer feedback, and to growth. It will also encourage further feedback which will continue to help you grow and stay ahead of the market and competition.
8. Make it a Habit & Solicit Regular Feedback: As with most things, consistency is key. Soliciting feedback from customers without waiting for them to come to you builds trust, signals you are committed to an agenda of growth, and ensures you are not falling behind due to complacency. Your business might be doing fine today but when times get hard, when competition catches up, when your clients find another alternative (which they eventually will if you are not on top of your game), you will lose business. To gather feedback consistently, you can send a feedback form / questionnaire at the end of every year / quarter etc. to gather information. You might also engage with your clients regularly and solicit verbal tips for improvement.
Complaints and criticism can feel difficult and uncomfortable. However, creating success and long-term stability for your business depends on your ability to embrace a growth mindset (as opposed to a fixed “My way or highway” one) and invite input from your customers. Burying your head in the sand, avoiding different points of view, sweeping developmental feedback under the rug, and thinking of your feedback-givers as a nuisance are not good business practices and will not result in business success.
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Hi! I'm Merve. 👋 I help leaders build high performing teams, amplify their business impact, and advance their careers.
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