When I was interviewing for jobs fresh out of college, I was asked if I had a boyfriend by a female senior executive. She made it clear she was trying to see if I was interested in starting a family, and thus would not be willing to sacrifice all my time and energy (and probably my health) for the job. I said “No” with a firm head shake to reassure her and rid her of all her doubts. “I am all yours, ma’am” is where I stood. Spoiler Alert: I did have a boyfriend, who I did end up marrying and having kids with. Oops.
When I was doing an MBA at a top school, a woman who was visiting the campus for a weekend Executive Education course congratulated me and asked how I got into the program in the first place. She was particularly impressed by the fact that I only took the GMAT once and inquired about my score to which I replied, “Well, I didn’t get the top score or anything, but I did do well enough, I guess” In my attempt to be modest and to respond in a way that didn’t make her feel bad about herself (she was making it clear that she herself took the GMAT a few times and did not do well), I seem to have opened the door to her subsequent comment: “Well, I’m sure the fact that you are a woman helped.” I smiled uncomfortably and said something like, “Hmm.. Well… I’m not sure about that,” followed by a quick exit, “Enjoy the rest of your weekend in France. Au revoir”. For the record, my GMAT score was pretty high and I’m pretty sure I wasn’t admitted to the program because I am a woman – and therefore, the standards were lowered for me so they can hit some gender quota.
When I returned from my first maternity leave to work, a senior female executive pulled me aside after a meeting and told me: “I’m sorry we spent a good chunk of this meeting talking about the upcoming business trip. I know you probably can’t go because you have a baby.” When I told her I was in fact going, she said: “Really? You shouldn’t feel pressured to do anything, let alone leave your child to go on a trip. You just returned” I explained that I had already arranged childcare with my husband and my parents who were visiting. Two days later, I booked a meeting with her and gave her direct feedback. I was way too bothered to let this one go. I told her that what she said had been condescending and hurtful (although, sure, she may have meant well). Assuming that I don’t want to do anything and expecting nothing from me because I am a mother was in fact discriminatory. She would not say that to a man. While it would feel supportive to hear that I should feel free to ease back in in my own time, if I had initiated a conversation around how I am needing to take it slow and not wanting to go on a business trip, making that assumption and saying it out flat pointed to a maternal wall bias (“Maternal wall bias occurs when colleagues view mothers—or pregnant women—as less competent and less committed to their jobs”) on her part, and it felt the opposite of supportive.
What is striking about these three personal experiences (among many others) to me is:
It took me about 10 years of professional experience on top of putting up with childhood biases and societal labels I experienced during school, to get to a point where I felt comfortable to stand my ground and respond by calling out a senior leader. (even though people who know me will tell you one thing I don’t do is, I don’t take sh**. I never did, not even when I was much younger.)
All three of these examples (among many others) point to discrimination, sidelining, and demeaning by other women.
Looking back, I lied in the first instance to “fit in” and let it go in the second to “be nice”.
Judith Spring, my teacher and coach, gave an inspiring talk at Kingstown College’s Coaching Conference last week on IWD titled: “Coaching Women: Yes, it is different!” and asserted that still to this day in 2023, most organizations operate on outdated ideas of leadership based on masculine norms, most specifically:
The Assertiveness Double Bind: Feedback that women are aggressive, bossy, pushy, bitchy where if a man demonstrating a similar behavior would be described as assertive, decisive, persuasive.
The Misunderstood Motherhood: Managers and coworkers "dressing" pregnant women and new mothers in a costume that symbolizes the "best of" femininity - assuming they will be sweet, kind, fragile, gentle, non-aggressive, emotional - and therefore no longer a good businessperson.
Misperception of Part-time Work and Working from Home: Assuming women are ok with not being as productive or as career-oriented (and therefore not expecting stretch opportunities, promotions, more responsibility) because they are the ones predominantly using flexible options such as part-time work or working from home.
The following stats (Source: Nice Girls don’t get the Corner Office. Unconscious Mistakes Women Make that Sabotage their Careers) are a direct result of such gender bias — and not the fact that women are less competent, less committed, less available, less flexible, less x, less, y, less z – as men and women, themselves (!) would have you believe (which in itself is case in point and speaks to a gender bias within a gender bias - deep stuff!)
Women total 3.8 percent of Fortune 500 CEOs.
Worldwide, 8 percent of top executives are female.
Women make up 23.7 percent of US legislators.
There are twenty women heads of state worldwide.
Women account for 20.3 percent of elected parliamentarians around the globe (kudos to Nordic countries with 40 percent women!).
Globally, the differences in earnings between men and women vary, with Japan and Korea seeing the largest disparity of 28 percent and 39 percent, respectively (Hungary is the lowest with only a 4 percent difference in earnings between men and women).
On average in the United States, Caucasian women earn 77 percent of what men earn for doing the same jobs, but African American women earn only 69 cents on the dollar and Latinas only 58 cents on the dollar.
Within just one year of completing college, women are earning 8 percent less than the men with whom they graduated, and by mid-career that number increases to more than 20 percent.
It is not surprising, then, that some common issues that come up in coaching sessions with women particularly, according to Judith Spring, are:
Not recognizing or owning strengths
Negative bias in feedback
Imposter syndrome
Looking to others for validation
Unwilling to have difficult conversations
Mate to manager challenge - finding distance without creating offence
Not clearly setting or communicating boundaries
Overly empathetic - need to please and fit in
Overthinking / over analyzing / over apologetic / over organized
Challenge of time (women still being the primary caregivers)
Challenge navigating political environment mostly dominated by men
I am no expert in this field and I am, therefore, not in a position to offer advice.
Just kidding.
That was my imposter syndrome and self-limiting thoughts talking
I am a well-trained woman after all!
(Did I get you?)
My goal with this article is not to give advice and list “7 things you can do to overcome gender bias at work”. What I do want to emphasize, however, is
1. Self-confidence is key
2. Women should sponsor, validate, and uplift other women.
3. Businesses, governments, and academic institutions make a point to educate their people on gender bias, track trends pointing to it, call it out and introduce consequences when they see it.
As a final thought, I would like to take this opportunity to thank a few of the women who validated and uplifted me, when I was doubting myself:
Judith Spring, who inspired this blog post.
Amy Copeland, who told me I am a good bit more productive and efficient than some
other executives she knows, even though I work 4 days a week and take Fridays off to
be with my kids, in a “Don’t feel bad about choosing to spend time with your kids while
also rocking it at work” themed moment.
Ciara Twohig, who told me I was already a great people leader and now I'll be even
greater, now that I am also a parent, and that becoming a mom enhances one's
leadership skills.
Connect with me at leadrisecoaching@gmail.com if you have any questions / comments / experiences you would like to share on women in business and the gender gap
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